where do we go from here?...
tell me what am i supposed to do?...
i am right here...
just waiting and fervently praying....
i often ask what did i do to myself...
why did i let myself get caught in this uncertainty...
yes...another emotional dilemma...
why did i let his happen...AGAIN...

are you listening to me or are you just listening to yourself?...
sometimes i wonder if love is really enough...
some dark times i really want to just let go....
forget about everything and find my own way alone...
but something's telling me to hold on...
just hold on until i find my own peace...

i pray for someone to save me...
just save me from this lucid world i helped build...
my vision is becoming blurred...
i am so tired of crying...
there's no more tears left to shed...
no more emotions left to spare...
slowly i am becoming numb...
i just don't feel myself anymore...

do you feel me?...
or do you just feel yourself?...
tell me what is this i am feeling right now...
my heart can't really comprehend anymore...
i want to love but i couldn't find the reason for it...
i want to love but i am scared to make a mistake...

is it a sin to not know what to believe?...
is it wrong to give you a chance?...
tell me is it my fault to be the woman you want?...
am i to be blamed for this confusion we have?....

you ask me if i understand you...
i always do...
you ask me if i care about you...
with all my heart, i do...
you ask me how important you are to me...
as important as my own blood...
you ask me if i wanna be with you...
lately, i've been feeling that too...
you ask me if i still like you...
yes, more than ever...
you ask me if i'm willing to give you a chance...
yes i am...
you ask me if you make me happy...
like no other man can...
you ask me if i love you...
honestly, i really want to...
BUT now i am asking you...WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE SOMETHING THAT IS SO OUT OF MY CONTROL?...

i am just a simple girl...
i don't know much about life...
i don't have all the answers in the world...
i am asking you to tell me what to do...
how can i conquer my fears?...
what should i feel...
what am i to think...
who do i ask...
how do i hold on...
how soon should i let go...
how am i to help you...
how do we make this happen?...

HOW?...

you are there...
i am here...
where do we really go from here?...

right now, i'm both a rhetorical version of me but at the same time, a whole new persona...
like i'm living the time of my life and floating in air as well...
everything that has happened is all said and done...
i don't even like to change my world now; it's fine...
but i'm trying to refresh it...
i have my place under the sun but is it really just about it?
i have the feeling that i am bound for more...
i feel both love and losing love...
have u ever felt the same?
like you are in the midst of wanting something so bad
but when it's right over the palm of your hands,
you just don't want to close your hands and take it...
what's really the essence of having it
when setting your eyes in its exquisity is enough...
you once thought that it was beautiful...
that it's the ultimate dream in your heart...
but once you look at it closely,
you realize that there's something far better for you to see...
why is this world full of irony?
seems like the Creator enjoys complexity...
that everything and everyone is supposed to be undefined...
equally confusing...
my faith is dragging me to somewhere appealing...
but the world is pulling me amidst its insanity...
i pray for my prayers...
but i also pray for the things i'm not praying for...
like a double-edged sword...
it's cutting me deeper...
but the pain is just fine...
the healing is much faster than the wounds setting...
the bruises are barely even there...
and the smile on my face is dawning...
i feel alive now...
barely awake but i know i'm breathing...
time is ticking...
but i don't really care...
i'm existing and that's all that matters...

...it's been so amazing how the Lord is working through my life in such short span of time.. i never really thought i would get to this stage and come close to really getting over the storm that's been tormenting me for so long.. i have sad, confused and happy moments these past two weeks that i can't really figure out what God is really telling me but i thing is very sure: that He has that Almighty power to change things at their worst ever conditions in just a matter of time when He wills it and number 2: He does every single thing with a purpose... i have been acting quite weird about circumstances but i am proud that i make decisions that include the Lord.. only I pray that i can fight more efficiently the emotional obstruction that's been always my weakness.. well i pray to God for a lot of strength that He teach me to let Him in my life.. not just a part of it but the very core of it..right in its center.. i pray that he gives me more patience and compassion towards other people around me that i really don't like.. i pray that he would guard my heart and teach me ways to grow in faith even more.. i pray too that He makes me an instrument to transform other people's lives aside from myself.. the Lord has always been great to me..in my life even though painful situations come, i always lift them up to Him because i know nothing is impossible with Him.. He loves me.. i know that.. i wish that i would realize the greatness and loyalty of his love.. i am a living witness to his miracles in my life and i am just so happy that i still keep the faith.. i am happy on how he transforms my relationship with my family.. i never imagined we would be that close again.. i am ever thankful.. i pray that like job, i would still stick with Him at times of desperation and extreme hardship.. i am not worth his love but he is still giving it to me.. i feel blessed that i have come to know JZONE.. it transformed me a lot.. i am a Jesus zone and i hope His faith will show on me.. more than anything, i am so sorry for not always including God in my plans.. He always include me.. i know.. i feel his longing.. i don't know but i am trying so hard to change for the better because i know that my fate is not based on this world.. well i very much pray that in this new chapter of my life, i can include Him in every single thing and think about Him in all my ways.. please guide me Lord to make this decision right and to let your plans prevail.. the desires of my heart you know but still your will shall be done eventhough it's painful for me.. who am i to blame you? even Jesus didn't want to suffer but did it for your love and to obey you.. who am i to disobey?.. well maybe you are telling me to just let you work in my life because you know what's best.. i will do that in this plight of mine Lord even if it means another season of tears.. i will for you.. but if you want me to pursue and grant my heart's desires, then show me the right path.. i want you with this journey because the first time, i left you in the battle ground.. this time, i won't make the same mistake again.. Your love is more important to me than some other person's love.. let your way happen Lord and please guide me always.. this line has been in my mind since that event happened and i believe you have come to show me something greater.. i believe you have sent those words to me.. thank you father.. i'll always keep that in my heart.. "LET GO.. and LET GOD.."

everything i do nowadays seems to be not so passionate that i really love but not too nonsense that i really don't care about.. i don't know but maybe this is the season of both happy and sad emotions.. sometimes i just feel nothing.. sometimes i feel a whole lot that i'll just breakdown.. what's wrong? i always pray to God for guidance and read his words every single day in a hope that i would finally realize what He has been telling me all along... the past month was kinda stormy.. i wanna go back to the serenity i was feeling before that because i was only dealing with 4 things: God, family, friends and school.. well until another one came up and it soared right up to the top spot like one of those billboard charts or top of the pops.. so crazy. my world got so awfully outrageous.. i don't want it but i let it happen to find some thrill in my monotonous condition.. but here i am.. fighting to get away from the "thrill" that caused me some 1 gallon of tears every weekend..whew! guess that's a hard way to learn a lesson.. never include love in your priorities and say:"oh it would just be for fun and i'll just place it in the last spot anyway."  You'll just get disappointed and surprised that it's your #1 priority in a couple of days..well, guess i should quote jaime in "a walk to remember" (well that's my lifetime fave muvi and nothing's ever beaten it..not even if only, 50 first dates, the notebook or even TITANIC for that matter!!haha)..well jaime said there while in the hospital talking to Landon: "You know what i found out?....maybe God has a bigger plan for me than i have for myself..."

it's been 4 months now since i last told this story and still, nobody knows.. i thought i was far over it.. so many things happened and what's happening again is really impossible.. i am feeling it again.. breathing it and unfortunately, choking in it.. what could be worse than running away and escaping but never really getting away with it.. the memories keep coming back.. it's haunting me and worst is: it's real.. i wake up having a similar dream and found myself relieved that it was just a dream but then i realized that my reality was also my nightmare.. it was so real, i can't escape.. i don't wanna feel it but how can i stop my heart?.. everynight i pray that i would be over it again because it's just so painful to handle...ALONE. the secret is just within myself. no one knows. not even a hint of what turmoil is going through my emotions. i want it to end. but how? i can't think of a way to finally get through. i just cry out to the good Lord and ask Him what is it that He wants me to do.. is this karma or just plain fate? i can't discern. i'm drowning in my own loneliness. does anyone feel this way too? but i have to admit, it's partly my fault. i'm always giving in so fast.. im always falling deeper and deeper each moment but i am fighting it with all that's left in me.. am i saying things vague to you? im so sorry. i just don't have the courage to directly blurt it out. but all i can confess is that i've been deeply in-love for the longest time, to the most wrong person and at the worst moment without anyone knowing, not even the person..i am ever denying to myself.. and what could be the most tragic thing than not wanting to be in-love with the person you are loving? pretending like you are fine and it would just go away but it doesn't.. and the most hurtful part is, it's so easy to catch up with those other persons loving you sincerely but you just can't because you just can't simply give away your heart to them just for the reason that you don't have your heart with you.. it's stolen by someone you hardly even learned to let go when in fact he can never be yours and you know he cannot give you back the love.. the sad thing is i can't ask him to just give back my heart..he's holding it so tight he doesn't even realize.. pls. give it back to me.=(

Out of Reach

(Gabrielle) 

Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK

But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

our recollection was over but now is the first time that i have confessed in my recollection and probably one of my most peaceful and fruitful ones.. God really has a way on healing me.. yes, i'm almost over it.. i have quite successfully accepted the fact that it can never be and it should never be in the first place.. maybe you don't know what i'm talking about but it's the recent dilemma of my life.. i am just so happy that finally, i am ME again and not the foolish girl who will do it all to belong.. i am myself and i can be myself and obey God and still be into the "in" crowd.. perhaps that's what God wants me to realize.. i hope i can find good friends again in my new world that will bring me closer to Him not farther.. i thought i had one but unfortunately, the devil must have used that against my or our advantage.. i just hope i still grow with my faith and become more NOT-SO-ATTACHED to this world.. God makes all things beautiful in His own time and I know that..=)

i gotta shake you off...

well, i got home from school this one night and i just can't think about anything else but my homeworks, projects and requirements to finish.. i also need to study for tomorrow's pharma class and my professor in litt asked us to finish 2 chapters of the joy luck club novel plus a reaction paper on it.. i was too preoccupied i didn't notice there was something wrong.. so i got on with my case study and typed it all till i got it all done at 11pm.. i was so happy but still, i thought, something's not right with me.. but i ignored it.. then i tried to read a few pages from the novel and i got hooked in it, i didn't notice the feeling i was having a while ago.. then i got my notes in pharma and slipped it in my bed, hoping to read it while lying down.. so i laid down on my bed after turning on the radio to my favorite station with the novel on my hand.. then i dropped it cuz suddenly, i felt how tired i was.. my eyes were aching because of my long exposure to the PC and my head was throbbing with pain as i tried to think and think.. my legs were aching because of my day's class and my stomach was aching because of passed meals.. i cannot move anymore and i cannot think another thought because my whole body was so weak and stressed.. as if joining in my misery, the rain was falling so hard and i felt so cold all over.. i pulled my blanket up with my remaining strength and will power and i tried to squeeze in it staring blankly on the wall while hearing songs of pain and sorrow on the radio.. everything was sinking in.. all the thoughts, the emotions and the tears that i was fighting to come out a while ago, all poured out... i didn't felt so tired or stressed or overfatigued.. it was not that... i was feeling something else that was making my head throb with pain, my stomach churning madly and my throat gasping for air.. i felt like i was about to choke.. it was a pain more than my body could ever bear and i felt it stabbing inside my chest.. no, i was not having a heart attack or something but i wish it was just a real heart attack so i won't be able to feel it again...                 (to be continued....)